Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize