hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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