3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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