Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
