mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
