The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
