Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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