Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
