if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
the raccoons are back...
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