I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
