you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
