I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
