her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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