all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
