Ketchup is God's man juice
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
