I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
