My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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