I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize