i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
