He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
