I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
