What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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