I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
