she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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