I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
