Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
