my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
