I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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