I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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