If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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