She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
