Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
