Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
