apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
