I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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