I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
