You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
