May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
