that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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