as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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