I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's blow job season.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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