I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
