I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
