Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
