He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
