Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
