TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So apparently I’m into choking now
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
