he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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