I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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