I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
