My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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