you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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