he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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