my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
