All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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