I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Small penises have feelings too.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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